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He is my first boyfriend, we are freshmen, and his affection for me is thrilling and overwhelming.

I am certain he would do anything for me, so I am cuddling in this grass for him—though if I were to choose a scratchy patch of grass for this activity, it also wouldn’t be the university quad. Sideways, I watch the frisbee game across the lawn; people trickle out of the dining hall; from my perspective, ants join up to follow in their wake, everyone busy. We scramble to a seated position and squint up at the Campus Safety officer who’s been dispatched to protect the campus from our obscenity. All the voices nagging that I was embarrassing myself are suddenly, solidly before me in this irritated young man and in the finger-wagging of the anonymous professor he says sent him. Decent women do not even lay down in public, let alone with a boy. I don’t let on that I am this upset; pretending is something I’m good at.

In fact, when we sat down here, I hadn’t anticipated nearly this level of PDA. I cannot look at the officer or at my boyfriend; all I want is to scurry away like an ant and hide, maybe under a bush, the scratchier the better. Decent women know how to make their boyfriends happy without scandalizing their professors. I make some jokes about the threat we pose to campus safety, and we take some aimless walk, as freshmen do. We’ve learned our relationship doesn’t belong there.

But my highest priority as a girlfriend is to be low-maintenance, and we’re certainly not making out like couples in movies about college, or couples I’ve seen in public parks in Atlanta and San Francisco; besides, Christian college is to be a place where you have adventures, just safer and more moral ones than at other colleges. We will make out in his car in dark parking lots because it seems to make my boyfriend happy.

Now I’ve learned that making out in cars is, in fact, part of normal human development; but for me and my purity-seeking friends, what’s even more normal is feeling extreme shame about it.

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The grass is not as soft as it looks, but cuddling in it seems to make my boyfriend happy.